Quote of the Day

“Damn you, Walt Whitman! I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! ‘Leaves of Grass,’ my ass!” – Homer Simpson

(Happy 117th birthday, Walt.)

Stanley Cup Finals: Go Red Wings

Playoff hockey works exceptionally well on television: it’s extremely fast, psychotically violent and, especially in a tight game, every possession is terrifying and exhilarating.  Mad Jon and I just watched “Lisa on Ice” to get ourselves in the proper mindset.  Now, it’s game time.

Go Red Wings.

Update: Wings win 3-1.  No tie games, no need to tear this place apart.

Quote of the Day

“Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we’ve just lost the picture, but, uh, what we’ve seen speaks for itself.  The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over – ‘conquered,’ if you will, by a master race of giant space ants.  It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them.  One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here.  And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.  I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.” – Kent Brockman

Friday Link Dump – Scotland and Nitpicking Edition

“Now the kilt was only for day to day wear.  In battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins.  The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.” – Groundskeeper Willie

There’s one example of great usage this week and then several that need help (though I probably over did it).  Also there’s a history of homosexual characters on television, video game legalese, a new non-Simpsons blog with a Simpsons title and two posts about Scotland.  

Out an On Air – A history of gay and lesbian portrayals on television that mentions The Simpsons but doesn’t mention Smithers.  Sure Smithers is Narnia-deep in the closet, but as early as Season 2 (1990-1991) it’s pretty clear that he’s gay.  I’ve always thought the show doesn’t get enough credit for that.  As hard as it can be to remember now, back then even an openly closeted character like Smithers was forbidden on US television.  

French tops in OECD for eating and sleeping – The Vancouver Sun gets a gold star for excellent usage, the quote is correct and it’s very apt.  

We’re a cartoon in the making – A newspaper columnist in Windsor, ON uses copious Simpsons references to explain his screwed up town.  Nice. 

LGJ: A case of tortious interference – Tortious interference is when you get someone else to renege on a contract they have with a third party, it’s explained here with a fictional Lisa Simpson video game, but why did they make the fake box for the PS2?  

Study: DRM turns normal people into pirates out of necessity – Have you illegally copied things?  Probably.  I’ve copied all my Simpsons DVDs to my computer.  Was that illegal?  Probably.  Do I give a shit?  Hell no.

Best Mother/Daughter Duos On TV – Lisa and Marge make the cut.  I have no basis for comparison here because I think I’ve seen a combined 37 seconds of the other four shows mentioned, “Gossip Girl”, “Desperate Housewives” “Brothers & Sisters”, and “Medium”. 

The Art of Opening Credits – I too liked the opening of The Simpsons Movie, particularly the Itchy & Scratchy part.  

Connecticut Film Festival coming to Danbury – Live in or near Danbury Connecticut?  Want to see Mike Reiss speak?  

Cheney vs. Lisa Simpson – A Daily Kos diarist uses Lisa’s famous tiger repelling rock to make fun of Dick Cheney.  No gold star for usage, however, as the copied transcript is incorrect in a couple of small ways.  I searched Google for it and it looks like this one got entered incorrectly years ago and has been copied wrong ever since.  Even SNPP has it wrong, which doesn’t happen very often.  For the record, here is the correct exchange between Lisa and Homer:

Homer:  Ahh, not a bear in sight, the Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Lisa:  That’s specious reasoning, Dad.

Homer:  Thank you, honey.

Lisa:  By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.

Homer:  Oh, how does it work?

Lisa:  It doesn’t work.  

Homer:  Uh-huh.

Lisa:  It’s just a stupid rock.

Homer:  Uh-huh.

Lisa:  But I don’t see any tigers around here, do you?

Homer:  Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

Yeah, we’re sticklers for quote accuracy around here.  So what?

Happy Memorial Day. Keep it Classy, Portland – Now this quote is really badly mangled:

“Old newspapers!? Coat-hangers?! Expired medicine! Quick you fool, get them in the house!”

Once again, here’s the correct version:

Homer:  Hello, what’s this?  Wire hangers.  Expired medicine.  Old newspapers!

[Hyperventilates.]

Homer:  Okay Homer, stay calm.  Just quietly get this stuff inside your house.

Okay, I’m done needlessly correcting people on the internet for the week.  Well, maybe one more . . .

PS3 Downloadable Game “Rag Doll Kung Fu” Is Free, Still Not Such A Great Deal – Decent usage from Consumerist over a PS3 downloadable game.  The sentences are reversed but the words are correct (albeit with an odd start point).  Close enough.  

Homer Simpson is right! We must let boys run riot (They’ll never learn any other way)  – I suppose I have to link this, but it’s really long and really vapid.  

Why “Will There Ever Be a Rainbow?” – It’s a guy from Buffalo starting a new blog and since it’s got a Simpsons title and a Simpsons image at the top it gets linked here.  

Jay’s Flordia Trip – I didn’t listen to this whole thing, but the Simpsons stuff starts around 26:45 and goes for about five minutes.  Their Simpsons knowledge is . . . uneven.  It’s hard to tell who’s who, but how anyone who says they love Simpsons could think “Marge vs the Monorail” was Season 10 is beyond me.  To be fair, someone else points out that that doesn’t make sense and they agree that the show’s gone downhill.  

Lisa Simpson aids Tibetan orphans – A signed and framed cardboard cutout of Lisa is being sold at auction with the proceeds going to a Scottish charity that helps Tibetan kids.  Hey, speaking of Scotland . . . 

Groundskeeper Willie in centre of Scottish feud – Two different Scottish cities are laying claim to the most brutal Scottish stereotype ever.  This is the kind of pointless civic rivalry I think we can all enjoy.  

Canceled! (part two) – And finally, we’ll once again give the last word to another blogger who agrees with us:

I can’t remember the last new Simpsons episode that I watched.  I think it started with Bart getting in trouble at school, then the family went to the demolition derby and somehow Homer ended up driving a car in the derby, then the whole family somehow ended up in India, and then Moe’s Tavern burned down.  You get the point.  This show has devolved into a series of unrelated situations jammed together and called an “episode.”  On a good day a couple of jokes still ring true and remind you of the greatness of what was — almost like watching Willie Mays turn on a pitch in his last days with the Mets.  But, make no mistake, it is time for The Simpsons to gracefully exit stage right.

He doesn’t think it will happen; I remain optimistic that 2011 could see it end.

Quote of the Day

“I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.” – Homer Simpson

“I don’t know, they just do.” Moe Syszlak

The Musical Fruit

“Well, beans were a staple of the Israelites, yes proceed.” – Springfield Christian School Teacher

I find this video strangely fascinating.  I don’t know if it’s the MIDI-level soundtrack, the way different beans are brought on and off the screen, the fact that Homer’s five o’clock shadow is done twice or the “d’oh” montage at the end (which is taken from “So It’s Come to This”).  

Whatever it is, it’s neat.

Simpsons Alumni Update: George Meyer

George Meyer was one of the real geniuses who made The Simpsons great.  He popped up in last week’s New Yorker mocking airline frequent flyer clubs.  Go and read, it’s short.

My favorites are Hegira Mach Five, Godhead Supreme and Canadians of Distinction.

Quote of the Day

“Oh, the network slogan is true: Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!” – Ned Flanders

Quote of the Day

“I know you can read my thoughts Bart.  Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine.  Yes, you heard me.  I think words I would never say.” – Principal Seymour Skinner

Wait, Orchestra Conductors Actually Do Something?

 

Not Actually the BBC Orchestra

“Please Krusty, this is very demeaning.” – Sideshow Mel

“Shut up and conduct!” – Krusty the Klown

The BBC had a game show on last year called “Maestro” where various British celebrities (none of whom this Yank recognized) competed to learn how to conduct an orchestra, with the winner getting to conduct the BBC Orchestra live in Hyde Park.  In the first round the eventual winner, Sue Perkins, conducted the Simpsons theme.  YouTube, would you do the honors?

It’s a little bit different than the version to which we’re all accustomed, but I like it.  (You can click here to download an mp3.)  If you’d like to see a longer clip from the show, which includes a bit of context and the judge’s scores, it’s here.  

(And just like that, our weekend long post drought is over thanks to an old standby right out of the lazy blogger handbook: the YouTube clip.)

Quote of the Day

“Later, I’ll teach you the tricks of the trade:  Taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding.  (Purrs.)” – Bart Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Mrs. Simpson, you’re in luck.  Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice.  Care to join me in a belt of scotch?” – Lionel Hutz

Quote of the Day

“Relax?  I can’t relax!  Nor can I yield, relent, or…  Only two synonyms?  (Groans.)  Oh my God.  I’m losing my perspicacity!” – Lisa Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Well, if isn’t the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.” – Homer Simpson

“Homer, you should be more supportive.” – Marge Simpson

“You’re right Marge.  Good work, boy.” – Homer Simpson

(Marge leaves.)

“Egghead likes his booky-book!” – Homer Simpson

“Homer!” – Marge Simpson

“Just tucking him in!” – Homer Simpson

Friday Link Dump – Life Imitating Art Edition

“Precious Venus . . .” – Homer Simpson

This week we have real Gummy de Milos and a real beheaded statue.  There’s also some usage (good and bad), a bunch of British celebrities, shoddy merchandise, and more.  

Gummi Venus De Milo – Someone made real Gummi de Milos!  I’d tell you more but I’m drooling on my keyboard.  Click the link for pictures (grad student ass not included).  The post is more than a year old, but it’s a little known fact that in the medium of gummi a lack of arms retards spoilage (via).

Cloud Talk – Somebody cut off the head of a statue of James Garfield.  The link has a picture as well as a rundown of the relevant dialogue from “The Telltale Head”.  Why is Dolph referred to as “Other Bully”?  Because whoever put up this transcript (from which it appears to be cribbed) is an ignoramus.  You’re next, Chester A. Arthur.  

4 Simpsons Controversies That Didn’t End in Lawsuits – A rundown of some memorable public flaps in the history of the show.  

Uruguay: Ban on Homosexuals Joining the Military Is Lifted – “Look at this country: you are gay.” – Homer Simpson  

UCLA to fete ‘Simpsons’ director – David Silverman, who was involved with the show in the before time and directed the movie is getting his ass publicly kissed by UCLA, his alma mater.  

Top 10 British celebrities to star in The Simpsons – Pretty much what it says.  Tracey Ullman doesn’t rate, that seems a tad unfair.  

How Homer and Co can help us lead healthier lives (by not copying them) – This is really stupid.  British tabloid The Sun had a food charity compile a list of all the food and drink on the show for a month.  (I’d assume this means whatever’s in reruns in Britain.)  Then they treated the results seriously, even though it’s, you know, a cartoon.  Oh yeah, and you prudish health food people can go fuck yourselves for saying this like it’s a bad thing:

Lots of gassy beers can also lead to bloating and excess wind.

Hehe, “wind”.  

Buzz Cola: hazardous material – Remember that Buzz Cola they sold during the promotional shitstorm for the movie two years ago?  Well, according to this guy some of the cans have now corroded through from the inside and spilled their contents.  He doesn’t cite any actual examples, but if it’s true it’s pretty funny.  

TV DAD’S DINNER – Feel like harassing the Cleveland Plain Dealer?  Sure you do:

For more than 50 years, television has portrayed thousands of imaginary fathers. Whether it’s the ever-earnest Ward Cleaver or that big honkin’ dufus, Homer Simpson, most of us have a favorite TV dad.

Who’s yours? And if – in your own imaginary world – you could cook up a meal to honor your fantasy father this June 21, what would it include? (Besides a plateful of doughnuts for Homer – doh!)

On June 17, in time for Father’s Day, Taste will publish some of the most fun, interesting or thoughtful responses. We’ll post more on cleveland.com.

Want in on the fun? In 75 words or less, tell us:

Your character’s name and the TV show in which he appears;

Why he’s your favorite;

The meal – including why that menu fits your electronic father figure. 

[…]

Deadline is Monday, May 25. Send us your entry either of two ways:

E-mail: food@plaind.com (in the subject line, please type “TV Dad’s Dinner).

Conventional mail: “TV Dad’s Dinner,” Taste, The Plain Dealer, 1801 Superior Ave., Cleveland, OH 44114. 

The Simpsons’ Krusty talks “he-shes” – Was the transfat/transgender thing from last week’s Zombie Simpsons over the line?  Feh.  Though, I’m happy to provide an answer to this:

I wonder what the writers were thinking when they were constructing this episode.

They weren’t thinking, it’s against policy.  

Pills Or Porn: That Is The Question – Moronic dating advice site YourTango sure does like its Simpsons references.  

In response, a quick-fix called AndroGel has been on the market for the past decade, causing men who’ve lost that loving feeling to sign up in droves and attempt to reclaim lost hormones by slathering this foam-like stuff all over their bodies. AndroGel is supposed to turn them from a grouchy, sexless Homer Simpson-type character and into a cheery George Clooney of sorts (“improvement in energy, sexual desire, sexual function, and mood within 1 month” says the website).

I never really thought of Homer as sexless.  In fact, and we might want to tell the Plain Dealer this, for a TV Dad Homer got laid quite a lot.

Hard work’s key for Hawks, plus what the vanquished need now – SI.com’s Allan Muir botches his usage while advising the Blackhawks to crash the net against the Red Wings.  

My two cents? As the recycling man told Homer Simpson, “Simplify, man. Simplify.”

Nit pick time!  The recycling hippie was talking to Skinner, not Homer and the actual quote is, “It sounds like you’re working for your car.  Simplify, man!”  Ah well, go Wings.

Should have signed a DNR – Scrubs is coming back for another season, though this is what grabbed my attention:

On the plus side at least it is not as bad as the Simpson’s is now.

Amen.  

Collared today: Shadow – The Baltimore Sun runs a little feature where they talk about people’s pets.  In discussing their dog Shadow’s trick repertoire the Sadaka family goes with Bart:

As Bart Simpson says, “He doesn’t want to learn, and we don’t want to teach him…We get along great.” Obeys very well-no particular tricks that stand out, but seems to understand everything remarkably well.

Great usage.

Why multi-channeling is bad for HD

Posted in C

Why multi-channeling is bad for HD – Channel ten in Australia has apparently lost its HD and is now broadcasting HD Zombie Simpsons as “widescreen”.  Also:

Actually I’m not totally sure that there would be that much difference in The Simpsons HD and The Simpsons SD anyway.

There isn’t.

The Simpsons Movie 2: Rise of Homer – Finally, more proof that absolutely anything can be made into a credible movie trailer so long as you use the “Requiem for a Dream” soundtrack (via):

Quote of the Day

“Hello Smithers.  You’re quite good at turning me on.” – Electronic Mr. Burns

“Um… you probably should ignore that.” – Waylon Smithers

Season 12 DVD Info

 

Show your die hard loyalty by purchasing a collector's edition of some of pop culture's cruelest mistakes.

Season 12 will be coming out on DVD on August 18th.  TV Shows on DVD (via) has the full details, including lists of who signed up for commentary duty.  Simpsons DVD commentaries are usually pretty bad (too many people talking about things that aren’t really related to the episode), but these are going to be excruciating.  I guess I might finally get an explanation as to why on earth anyone thought it was funny to have that crazy woman shouting about “diamonds” over and over again in the Africa episode.  Probably not though.  

I’ve said this before, and I’m sure we’ll get into it more around here after these actually get released, but 12 was when I finally gave up and admitted that The Simpsons was dead and it wasn’t coming back.  A sad time.  

Oh, well.  Say it with me everybody, “The Simpsons are going to Delaware!”

Image from TV Shows on DVD.

Quote of the Day

“Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat, mission accomplished.  I’m uh, I’m gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto.  Good day.” -Llewelyn Sinclair

How to Hurt Homer

“Oh fudge, that’s broken.  Fiddle de dee, that will require a tetanus shot.” – Homer Simpson

Let’s face it, watching Homer Simpson suffer is a lot of fun, whether his kids are fighting over who loves him more (You do!  No, You do!), his wife’s getting promoted ahead of him, or he’s getting hit in the head with softballs, circular saws or nightsticks.  Or, at least, it used to be a lot of fun.  Somewhere along the way Zombie Simpsons forgot that Homer’s supposed to be a regular guy.  Instead, they turned him into one of those cheap, inflatable punching bags that always bounces back up.  The trouble is, it’s just a lot less fun to watch when the guy taking the hits is invincible.  

For a montage of genuinely inventive ways to hurt Homer, we turn to Season 3’s “Bart the Lover”.  After agreeing to pay money to the Swear Jar whenever he curses, we see Homer:

1) Accidentally put a $20 in the church collection plate

2) Narrowly miss one pin at the bowling alley

3) Find out that Flanders is making money as a commercial actor after Homer got him to shave his moustache

4) Have his eight year old daughter point out that the dog house he’s been working on has no door

5) Have a hive of bees fall on him while he’s napping in the hammock

That’s a healthy range of suffering, from monetary losses to the emotional frustration of seeing his neighbor pull ever farther ahead of him in the game of life.  Only one of them involves him getting physically hurt, and we don’t even need to see it.  The hive falls down, Homer prepares to swear and it cuts immediately to his bee sting covered hand dropping change into the jar.  He doesn’t run around getting chased by a swarm of cartoon bees, or say anything “clever” while he’s getting stung.  It just happens, it’s really funny, and it’s over.

Mmmmm, Simpsons.

Quote of the Day

“Hey, look at my feet.” – Hank Scorpio

“Okay.” – Homer Simpson

“You like those moccasins?  Look in your closet, there’s a pair for you.  Don’t like ’em?  Then neither do I.  Get the hell outta here!  Ha!  You ever see a guy say ‘goodbye’ to a shoe?” – Hank Scorpio

“Yes, once.” – Homer Simpson