“At Moe’s, we serve good, old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.” – TV Announcer
(Sorry for the late quote.)
Archive for April, 2014
29
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Doc, I heard a snap.” – Lance Murdock
“I’m afraid the bone’s broken. Well, that’s all of them.” – Dr. Hibbert
“Gotcha! It’s April Fool’s for two more minutes.” – Homer Simpson
“Dad, it’s May 16th.” – Bart Simpson
“You were in that coma for seven weeks.” – Lisa Simpson
This week’s pile of horseshit starts with Bart’s chalkboard saying “You Can’t Play April Fool’s Jokes on April 27th”, which is their way of telling the audience that even they recognized this one as a wretched and unwatchable entry. Homer and Bart serenade a horse in a cheap, wannabe Les Miserables parody, but that’s after Bart gets a bunch of people pregnant with voodoo, which was itself after they fell back on referencing as many comic geek franchises as they could (again). The thing was such a mess that they had to tack on a fake beer commercial sketch at the end that had nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Also, in this April Fool’s reality, horses can operate stereos. Comedy genius, that.
– Great couch gag, and not only because it was a full minute long, shaving many precious seconds of stupidity off the rest of the episode. Can they farm these out every week? It’s really the only good part of the show.
– At least the bartender meeting didn’t take long. We had to get right to the naked begging for geek approval of putting the characters in superhero costumes.
– Funding from Canal+ was a nice quick sign gag.
– Kirk getting sucked into a vacuum hose was pretty pointless.
– So, Willy’s naked in front of ten-year-olds? They are asking us to just roll with a lot of shit this week.
– Oh, look, one of Bart’s many ex-girlfriends, and who is also apparently Chamlers’ daughter.
– And more creepy kissing. I was really hoping that was behind us.
– So, are we gonna come back to the missing ingredient in the voodoo curse? I have doubts.
– “So, your boy’s got magic knock-up powers, huh?” – Glad we cleared that up.
– Nice of Lenny to explain the joke before he complimented Homer on his virility. Jokes that need to be explained first to work always land.
– You can tell how slapdash these stories are from the little things: That couple driving onto a baseball diamond for no reason, Homer just happening to walk past Bart’s voodoo show, Homer choking Bart in front of a two strangers who just sit there, the complete absence of Lisa, etcetera.
– Bart is now sitting at Moe’s with Homer.
– Homer’s lack of wallet thing was pure filler.
– Remember when Fat Tony had good lines instead of crap like “How would you like a cast over your face?”.
– “How is this my fault?” “I wouldn’t be here if you were more of a role model.” – Aww, they’re trying to make this about Homer and Bart’s relationship. It’s like George Meyer left “how to write Simpsons episodes” instructions before he gave up on them and subpoint 2-3.b is “have an emotional connection between family members”.
– A horse just turned on a boombox to play “It’s Raining Men” so it could dance around for ten seconds. I’d say the show has reached a new low, but we all know that isn’t true.
– And, after following a horse that casually walked out of its stall, we’re in a flashback montage.
– Homer is singing to horses to get them to fuck. This is really bad, even by their standards.
– And then Homer gets kicked by a horse at the end. How else could you wrap up that masterpiece?
– Hey, look, they’re aping the opening of Modern Family, a show that’s much better than this one.
– And we’re ending with a horse testifying at a trial in a random, SNL-at-its-worst comedy sketch. Seems appropriate.
Woof, what a mess of an episode (and yet another total waste of Fat Tony). That song was just brutal, and what the hell did any of that have to do with Les Miserables? They long ago lost the ability to tell a story, but when they don’t have a b-plot and everything has to ride on one story it’s usually a bigger trainwreck, and this week was no exception. I knew we were in trouble when Fat Tony kidnapped them with 8 minutes to go, but I didn’t expect things to get that desperate. Yeesh.
Anyway, the ratings are in and they are worthy of that hacktacular crapterpiece. Last night just 3.38 million people wondered whether or not that really was an ill timed April Fool’s joke. That’s good for second place on the all time least watched list, replacing “Days of Future Future” which held the spot for only two weeks (and no other new episodes). Eight of the ten least watched episodes of all time, including spots 1-7, are from Season 25. Presumably the Lego episode next week won’t bomb quite this bad, but Season 25 is already locked into being the least watched season ever.
28
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“They’re going to eat this up at show and tell.” – Bart Simpson
“I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family’s private moments. How would you like it if twenty years from now people were laughing at things you did?” – Marge Simpson
“Not likely.” – Bart Simpson
Happy 20th Anniversary to “Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baadasssss Song”! Original airdate 28 April 1994.
Bart can’t stand art class. So he makes a voodoo doll of his art teacher. But when his spell makes her pregnant instead, he becomes a savior to Springfield couples trying to conceive. Then, he’s kidnapped to help conceive a thoroughbred race horse.
Cool. I was hoping there would be some voodoo this season. I guess I am slightly curious to find out what kind of spell Bart was attempting that would backfire and create life. Only slightly though – only slightly.
27
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Your character provides the comic relief, like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.” – Marge Simpson
26
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“I can’t believe I’m spending my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles ain’t even mine!” – Lenny
“And here, out of the mists of history, the legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body of a rabbit. . . . Ooh, it’s galloping away!” – Chief Wiggum
The Easter update for Tapped Out has been live for a little less than two weeks, and the complaints are rolling in. We’ve got three links this week about how the Easter update hasn’t been the greatest, which, having recently re-installed the game, I agree with. I realize they have to keep releasing updates to keep people who’ve maxed out their levels interested, but some of these really should be optional. Of course, that would require EA to not suck . . . so, probably not gonna happen.
In other news, I am very ready for this Lego episode to be in the rear view mirror. They are putting on a full court publicity press and every time they release some new images or someone from Lego says something about the show seemingly everyone with access to the internet links to it. We’ve got two this week, but both are just entertainment industry fluff jobs. In addition to all that, there are some cool t-shirts, a Flanders coin, the story of how Harry Shearer met his wife, and some excellent clip show usage, so it’s not all bad.
Enjoy.
Worst Zine Ever – Some excellent Simpsons tattoo designs with links to more. Funky See Funky Do would be very obscure but very awesome.
Exclusive: Inside The Simpsons’ Very Special LEGO Episode – Today’s News: Our Take – Oh, TV Guide, I’d ask you never to change, but you never do:
Cheekily titled “Brick Like Me” and set almost entirely in a LEGO world, it’s also episode No. 550, a staggering accomplishment for a primetime series. This has left the well-seasoned
wisenheimers on the production team feeling an odd combination of over-the-moon excitement and enough-already boredom.
And let me say a “very special” well done to you cheeky wisenheimers (assuming an algorithm set to 1960s didn’t write that dreck for you).
‘The Simpsons’: See the first image of Lego Homer! – This is an interview with Selman and Brian Kelley, it doesn’t tell you much. I did like this quote from Jean, though:
And how will this episode stack up against The Lego Movie, which has earned more than $250 million at the box office? “I think it’s just as good and it’s free,” quips executive producer Al Jean, who adds: “If anyone out there has an idea for a new material that the Simpsons can be made out of, please write to us. Cardboard? Yarn? Anything is up for grabs.”
Spoiler alert: it will not be as good as The Lego Movie.
Two by Two, Eggs of Blue – The game is fundamentally exploitative . . .:
Honestly this whole event feels unnecessarily complicated. Why can’t decorations just be in the shop and purchased for cash, do we really need to work hard collecting eggs for fences?
. . . so, yes.
The bait-and-switch of Easter – More discontent in the land of the disembodied finger:
I imagine this is the same for many of you playing, and it’s starting to get frustrating. It should not be this hard to win prizes, but it is.
Donuts aren’t going to help you, not unless you spend $100+ or more on eggs.
Easter Glitch – Trick or Treat? – It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes the glitches actually benefit the players. So it’s not all bad.
Next Couch Gag Animated by Michal Socha – I’ve mostly enjoyed the new couch gags, but it really doesn’t speak well of Zombie Simpsons that the only part of the show anyone wants to talk about is the part that they farmed out to someone else.
What The Simpsons teaches us about Rob Ford and other mayoral mysteries – Rob Ford: If You Were Running for Mayor He’d Vote for You.
April Fools 2014: Alex Raphael – No list of TV idiots would be complete without Homer. (Some good YouTube here as well.)
‘Nashville’ to air quirky clip show: 5 more that stand out – Excellent usage at the top of an article about clip shows:
So it’s come to this: A Nashville clip show.
Bonus points for having the Simpsons episode mentioned not be “So It’s Come to This”.
Pop Culture… Coins! – Fan drawn Flanders on a Brazilian coin. Neat.
Owen met Shearer in 1992 while she was resident bar pianist at the Conrad in Chelsea Harbour. “They were trying to make it into a rock’n’roll hotel. I played one of my own songs and heard this incredible applause behind me. I turned around and it was Christopher Guest and Harry with the full facial hair of Derek Smalls. I jumped up and ran over to them. It was truly one of the most surreal, ridiculous moments of my life,” she remembers.
Tee 394 SWW – Simpsons/Star Wars t-shirt.
Photo by trillblazin – And a Rasheed Wallace/Bart shirt (via @treykerby).
Rewinding the Week (4.20.2014) – Even forgiving reviews of last week’s Zombie Simpsons episode didn’t like it:
The episode was titled “Days of Future Future” which made me think that there would be some X-Men references, but sadly there were not. Instead, the whole thing was set in the future with clones of Homer living for an extended period of time and Bart encountering a Eternal Sunshine-like process. Kind of weird, but okay. I think they truly are running out of ideas now.
Best TV Shows of All Time – The show only checks in at #2 here, but it’s entered well:
2. The Simpsons (Seasons 1-9)
Who needs the Kwik E-Mart? – Heh (x2).
The Simpsons Lego Figures – The official one-page brochure.
The Simpsons To Marathon Every Episode, Release New Streetwear [PHOTOS] – This is blatant pageview whoring of the one-page-per-picture variety, but of you want to check out a bunch of new Simpsons clothing you can click through (and click through and click through . . .).
Two Gym Visits… and 2,500 Legos In Between – And finally, I get to end with someone who agrees with us:
One of the big childhood obsessions were Legos. I had tons of them, and at one point, had built an entire town on a folding table in the basement. Then, when I was in high school and college, I became a die-hard, hard-core fan of “The Simpsons.” For a couple years in college, I wrote a weekly “Simpsons”-based newsletter, which grew to have over 5,000 subscribers all over the planet. (For the record, I’m still of a fan of the show, and it will always be one of my favorite shows of all time, although I think the quality of new episodes has really gone downhill.)
Indeed it has.
25
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Hey, you okay, Grimey?” – Homer Simpson
“I’m better than okay. I’m Homer Simpson!” – Frank Grimes
“Heh, you wish.” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Hank Azaria!
24
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Ha-ha! Your mom’s a jailbird.” – Nelson Muntz
“So’s yours.” – Bart Simpson
“Oh, yeah. Let’s play.” – Nelson Muntz
23
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Oh, Homie, aren’t they adorable?” – Marge Simpson
“Yes. We’ve waited many years, but the good Lord has finally blessed us with a real family.” – Homer Simpson
22
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I’d be right here: the Springfield Natural History Museum. You’re mine, Simpson.” – Principal Skinner
21
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Hey, the government don’t control the sky! What if you lived in a balloon?” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“That’s it!” – Lisa Simpson
“Did you hear that, Mom? She’s as dumb as me!” – Bart Simpson
20
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Akira, my good man, I’d like two sharks, an octopus, and an eel.” – Bart Simpson
“Very good.” – Akira
“Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths?” – Bart Simpson
“Not today.” – Akira
Happy birthday George Takei!
19
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Two hundred and thirty-nine pounds! Oh, I’m a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty?” – Homer Simpson
“Sometimes I think God is teasing me, just like he teased Moses in the desert.” – Homer Simpson
Apologies for missing two consecutive weeks of Compare & Contrasts, but for the second straight week the eyetee gods decided to smite the hell out of me. Chillingly, both incidents started on Tuesday and weren’t totally cleaned up until Thursday, which means I will be walking on eggshells until at least next Wednesday. (Also, do not ever do business with Network Solutions “a web.com company”. They are incompetent, sleazy, hugely overpriced, use phrases like “part of our vertical” without irony or embarrassment, and have atrociously poor security. That is all.)
In further bad news, this week’s Reading Digest is pretty short because the internet seemed to spend most of the week circle jerking over the upcoming Zombie Simpsons/Lego episode. All they did was release a promo image and a couple of self-congratulatory quotes about it, but everyone with access to a keyboard seemed to feel the need to write it up. (It’ll be interesting to see if Lego can budge the ratings. My guess is no.) We’ve got one link to all that brouhaha, plus a great video about the recent Sylvain Chomet couch gag, some fan art, several good lists, more fashionable threads, and a couple of people who agree with us.
Enjoy.
Flooby Nooby: Sylvain Chomet’s making of ‘The Simpsons couch gag’ – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this short and enjoyable YouTube video:
The color was digital, but the drawings were done by hand. No wonder it looked so good. Also, watch to the end for Chomet’s joke, it’s funny.
Old Man Yells At Cloud* – Baseball nostalgics are the worst, and this is an enjoyable fisking of one with plenty of (mostly non-Zombie) Simpsons references to boot.
15 Sitcom Characters Who Might Be Broke If They Lived In The Real World – How affordable would all those living rooms with couches be? It’s a neat graphic, but I don’t know where the hell they got Homer’s monthly income as $6,500.
The First 12 Episodes Of ‘The Simpsons’ To Begin Your Marathon With – An excellent and explicitly non-Zombie Simpsons list.
5 For Friday: The 5 Best TV Moments in The Simpsons’ Universe – Another excellent list, nothing even close to Zombie Simpsons.
25 Years of The Simpsons. And 5 Potential Spin-Offs… – A list of possible new shows that implicitly agrees with us (“I can’t even remember the last time I caught a new episode of The Simpsons”).
Over Easy Author Mimi Pond Interview – No real surprise here:
What was it like writing the very first episode (“Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”) of The Simpsons?
I don’t feel very good about that. I was friends with Matt Groening, and I’m still friends with Matt Groening. He was starting to have trouble with the producers of the show. I came in and they were having their troubles, and because I was friends with Matt, I wasn’t very welcome. And because I was a girl — it was a total boys’ club — and I wasn’t asked to be on staff. I was thrown off the gravy train and it took a couple of years to figure it out. But if it hadn’t been for that, my life would’ve been very different. I wouldn’t have worked on this book, and this was the book I was meant to write.
She certainly did a hell of a job with her one episode.
Desert Island ‘What TV series would you want stranded with you and a TV” taking you into the weekend – Couldn’t disagree with this:
I want to pose a question. Desert island style. What TV series would you take if trapped on a desert island with only a TV and DVD player. For me this was a no brainer. It’s The Simpsons.
TV Guide Magazine April 21-May 4 2014 – ‘The Simpsons’: Inside their LEGO episode – Want to read a craven, PR fluff job from the magazine that still writes like Time in 1962? Have at it.
Simpsons and Joblessness – To be fair, it’s not like all those years of modern dance and tap help much either.
D’oh! Naperville Simpsons graffiti suspect caught – Just what it says. He’ll probably have to clean highways in an orange vest for some number of hours now. (via @woohootriviaCHI)
Look7in7: Meow, Meow. – Fan art of Kang (or Kodos) and a kitty.
The Simpsons used to nail it. – Heh.
BBQ Invention – Yes, Lisa, a magical animal (pulled bacon) – Mouthwateringly excellent usage:
I thought I’d start with the most exciting thing I’ve done recently, it could be a game-changer in the BBQ game, a dish that Victor Frankenstein may have created if he was into BBQ, I’ve combined a pork technique with a bacon technique…
Homer: “Lisa, honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Ham?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Pork chops?”
Lisa: “Dad! Those all come from the same animal!”
Homer: [chuckling] “Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.”I’ve made… PULLED BACON
The pig de resistance!
[5RTO] The Simpsons: Tapped Out – Five thoughts on the travails of playing Tapped Out while a parent. Also, it is indeed very expensive.
The Evolution of Simpsons Games – A brief history of some Simpsons games.
Doing The Dirty Simpsons With Family Guy’s Quest For Stuff – The new Family Guy Tapped Out clone sounds very clone-ish.
Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff is corporate manipulation pretending to be a game – Yup.
“The Simpsons” Fashion Collaboration with Joyrich – More skinny models wearing high fashion Simpsons clothing.
Biggest TV Syndication Deals Besides ‘The Simpsons’ – Unsurprisingly, other shows retail for more per episode, but nobody has nearly as many episodes.
3 cartoon shows that adults can watch – The show comes in at #1, followed by South Park and Futurama. Ah, it’s nice to see a concise list.
How did The Simpsons get so dumb? – Our old friend Stefan Grasso charts the show’s decline and calls its current state “Rock Bottom”, complete with graphic.
18
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Maybe it’s time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.” – Lyle Lanley
“Actual institute may not match photo.” – TV Announcer
Happy birthday Conan O’Brien!
17
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“I don’t know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old fashioned family walk?” – Marge Simpson
“Oh, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.” – Homer Simpson
16
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“Aw, geez, this looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm.” – Chief Wiggum
“Pervert!” – Helen Lovejoy
“Oh, boy, that sounded bad.” – Chief Wiggum
15
Apr
14
Quote of the Day
“I’m sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.” – Bush the Elder
“Woo-hoo! In your face, Bush! Now apologize for the tax hike.” – Homer Simpson
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
The Mob Has Spoken