“We’re having the best spring break of our lives, and we don’t need you around nerding it up.” – Bart Simpson
“That job is taken.” – Milhouse van Houten
Happy 20th Anniversary to “Bart on the Road”! Original airdate 31 March, 1996.
Archive for March, 2016
30
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Look at this, Marge, fifty-eight dollars and all of it profit! I’m the smartest businessman in the world.” – Homer Simpson
“Stampy’s food bill today was three hundred dollars.” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, please, don’t humiliate me in front of the money.” – Homer Simpson
29
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.” – Bart Simpson
“No.” – Homer Simpson
“But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!” – Bart Simpson
“Oh, he did, did he? I’ll show him, I’ll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!” – Homer Simpson
28
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“It’s your turn, Jimbo. . . . Someone’s been practicing over the summer, welcome aboard!” – Mr. Largo
Happy birthday Alf Clausen!
26
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Tonight I’d like to try something a little different. It’s a song I wrote while I was mopping up your dried blood and teeth.” – Lurleen Lumpkin
25
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Will my dog Pepper be there?” – Janie
“I’m sorry, but the answer is no.” – Sunday School School Teacher
“Why not?” – Janie
“Because Heaven is for people.” – Sunday School Teacher
“What about my cat, Snowball?” – Lisa Simpson
“I’m sorry, but the answer is no.” – Sunday School Teacher
“Will there be cavemen in Heaven?” – Milhouse van Houten
“Certainly not!” – Sunday School Teacher
“Um, ma’am, what if you’re a really good person but you’re in a really really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated, will it be waiting for you in Heaven?” – Bart Simpson
“For the last time, Bart, yes!” – Sunday School Teacher
24
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Having a baby isn’t supposed to be work. It’s supposed to be an expression of the feelings we’re supposed to have for each other.” – Selma McClure
“Oh, like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how alive with pleasure they said we were?” – Troy McClure
23
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“I’m an ugmo!” – Lisa Simpson
“Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.” – Homer Simpson
“Fathers have to say that stuff.” – Lisa Simpson
“Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?” – Homer Simpson
“No, you’re homely as a mule’s butt!” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
22
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“You boys should go play outside.” – Marge Simpson
“But people will see me paired up with a doofus. You have no idea what that’s like.” – Bart Simpson
“Uh-oh.” – Homer Simpson
21
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.” – KBBL DJ
“Yes, hi, with all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists?” – Caller
“No.” – Reverend Lovejoy
“Not for a second.” – Monsignor Kenneth Daly
Not at all.” – Rabbi Hymen Krustovsky
“Great. Good conversation there.” – KBBL DJ
20
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“You put an ad in my vision?” – Bart Simpson
“Yeah. Crazy Talk came up with that. Got idea from Dances with Focus Groups.” – Indian Casino Manager
19
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“I’ve been waiting for you, Lisa.” – Fortune Teller
“How did you know my name?” – Lisa Simpson
“Your name tag.” – Fortune Teller
18
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Now, boys, Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch.” – Ned Flanders
“Yeah! Hey, what gives, I thought you had a satellite dish?” – Homer Simpson
“Sure diddly-do! Over two-hundred and thirty channels locked out!” – Ned Flanders
17
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman.” – Bart Simpson
Happy 20th Anniversary to “The Day the Violence Died”! Original airdate 17 March 1996.
16
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“We’re going out, Marge! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!” – Homer Simpson
“Alright!” – Marge Simpson
15
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Goodbye, little dude. He looks so lifelike, man.” – Otto
“Yes, the school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight.” – Principal Skinner
Happy birthday, David Silverman!
14
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“Bart, where are you? Come on! I have to be up at 6am to swipe Flanders’ newspaper.” – Homer Simpson
Not feeling unique, Lisa signs up for the Mars One Space Colony – to Marge’s dismay. Then, Marge hires Bart to go through the tryout process with Lisa to make her want to quit.
Lisa doesn’t feel unique so she goes on a suicide mission. It’s a story as old as time. Marge doesn’t want her to go so she ‘hires’ a family member to stop it. Another age-old tale.
…
That’s it, I cannot work under these conditions. If anyone wants me I will be downstairs at McDougal’s. …Call the weekend guy, I don’t care.
13
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants. We only had one volunteer.” – Principal Skinner
12
Mar
16
Quote of the Day
“They’re about to start, Chief.” – Lou
“No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one…two.” – Chief Wiggum
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
The Mob Has Spoken