Quote of the Day

“Well, where to now, Romeo?” – Limo Driver
“Inspiration Point.” – Homer Simpson
“Ooh, okay, but I’m only paid to drive.” – Limo Driver

Quote of the Day

“I’ve never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?” – Marge Simpson
“Who cares what it is? The point is these are some decent, generous people that I can take advantage of.” – Homer Simpson

Quote of the Day

“So, this is okay, isn’t it? I mean, everybody does it, right?” – Homer Simpson
“What? Oh, hey, if you’re having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet.” – Crooked Cable Guy

Quote of the Day

“Oh, pew, what were you drinking, gasoline?” – Bart Simpson
“Yes, I was drinking gasoline, mother.” – Krusty the Klown

Quote of the Day

“I don’t know who to love more, my son Joshua who’s captain of the football team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead in the school play. Usually I use their grades as a tie breaker. But they both got straight ‘A’s this term, so, what’s a mother to do?” – Humble Brag Mom
“Well, I sense greatness in my family.” – Marge Simpson
“Your family?” – Skeptical Mom
“Well, it’s a greatness that others can’t see. But it’s there. And if it’s not true greatness we have, we’re at least average. . . . I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think there’s a little al-key-hol in this punch.” – Marge Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Cool, what’s that?” – Bart Simpson
“My very own idea for a comic book, little man! It’s about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone!” – Otto

Quote of the Day

“When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe! Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys! And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities!” – Homer Simpson

Quote of the Day

“That’s my degree in nuclear physics. I’m sure ya’ll have one.” – Frank Grimes
“Oh, yeah, Carl and I each have our master’s. Course, old Homer, he didn’t need a degree! He just showed up the day they opened the plant.” – Lenny
“I didn’t even know what a nuclear panner plant was.” – Homer Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead. . . . That’s it, baby. Work those ankles.” – C.M. Burns
“Ring a ding ding, sir.” – Mr. Smithers

Quote of the Day

“It’s my year, Marge! Everyone knows I’m what makes this city great.” – Homer Simpson
“I don’t know. There’s a lot of buzz around Lenny.” – Marge Simpson

Quote of the Day

“And here’s our TV next to the mirror. It looks like we have two.” – Homer Simpson
“Wow . . . two . . .” – Bart & Lisa Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?” – Lisa Simpson
“Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. . . . I knew that.” – Homer Simpson

Quote of the Day

“Take a hike, boss. I’m running things now.” – Golden Homer
“All hail King Homer.” – C.M. Burns

Quote of the Day

“What’s going on outside?” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh, it’s just a mob war. Go back to sleep, honey.” – Marge Simpson
“Forgiveness, please.” – The Little Guy

Happy 20th Anniversary to “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson”! Original airdate 19 January 1997.

Quote of the Day

“Do you know what prison is like for a lifelong conservative Republican? In our overcrowded cell, we became little more than beasts. . . . Who used my chapstick?” – Sideshow Bob
“Oh, I did. Here you go.” – Prisoner
“I don’t want it.” – Sideshow Bob

Behind Us Forever: The Great Phatsby

“What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne, pizza that’s hardly ‘numero uno’, and ice cream cake which reminds us why make thirty-one flavors when you can’t get vanilla right?” – Retiring Food Critic 

Every once and a while, Zombie Simpsons puts its nose to the grindstone and actually tries to make an interesting episode. The Lego episode wasn’t very good, but it was at least visually interesting and ambitious. That “Kang and Kodos are real” episode was maybe gonna be the second movie and actually had some ambition to it. “The Great Phatsby” was certainly promoted like it was going to be something out of the ordinary, a one-hour episode! They put on the full publicity press, getting written up for their [Drudge Siren]FIRST HOUR LONG EPISODE[/Drudge Siren] in publications as diverse as USA Today and Billboard.

Problem is: they didn’t deliver. This is a very normal episode of Zombie Simpsons that got ballooned to twice its runtime. Consider this, from that Billboard link:

Beanz, whose past collaborators include Britney Spears and Timbaland, created about 18 songs for this episode. Executive producer Matt Selman has said that’s more than any other guest composer he’s ever worked with. Part of that prodigious output included fun collaborations with Snoop, Common and RZA.

I watched all forty-two bloated minutes of this thing, and even if you stretch the definition of the word “song” until it tears apart you aren’t going to get anywhere near eighteen of them. By my count, there were three: one during the Burns spending montage, one to exposit how the evil rap mogul had tricked Burns, and part of one near the end that was gonna be the Burns revenge diss track. I guess if you want to count the instrumental remake of the theme song over the end credits that’d get you to four, but that’s still a lot less than eighteen. For comparison sake, in the regular twenty-two minute Shary Bobbins episode, there were five full songs, six if you count the end credits theme song.

So if there were only a few songs, what the hell was in all that screen time? The same garbage that’s in most Zombie Simpsons episodes: montages, nonsensical plots and subplots, and exposition galore. They had two separate B-plots, one for the first half of the episode (Lisa gets a rich boyfriend, then betrays him to comb a pony) and one for the second half (Marge opens a knicknack shop, which is hilarious to everyone who’s ever spent a lot of time in the Hamptons – relatable comedy!). If you’re wondering how well that worked, go back and watch those straight-to-DVD Futurama “movies” that did the same thing. It’s just as bad.

Perhaps my favorite moment, and further evidence that they put as little effort into actually writing/editing this as they do for their regular dreck, came when Homer meets a goose. First, we see the goose swallow a shrimp whole:

That is immediately followed by Homer saying, “He eats the way I do! Without swallowing.” Chewing. The word they were looking for is “chewing”. So not only is this a repeat of a joke from “Homer’s Enemy”, they got first-grade vocabulary wrong.

The rest of the episode is just as dumb. Near the middle, after Burns has lost all his money, Homer begins expositing that Burns is sad. Then Burns starts to cry and Homer, in voiceover, exposits that as well. Then Burns tears his shirt open. Helpfully, Homer exposits that too. It goes on for forty(40!) seconds. The good news is that I don’t need to screencap it because Homer explained everything:

Homer (VO): The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they’re watching their whole world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly. Oh, no, wait, he’s crying now. That’s worse. Now he’s really sobbing heavy. Oh, now he’s gone to his knees and he ripped his shirt open. All of his buttons fell off of his shirt. Now he’s kicking his porch. Oh, he hurt his foot and he’s hopping around! He tripped over a dog. That’s way worse. Montgomery Burns had hit rock bottom.

That’s how you eat up two episodes worth of screen time. It also places a somewhat different character on this quote from Matt Selman:

For all the hype about “The Great Phatsby” being The Simpsons’ first-ever hour-long episode, and the understandable skepticism about its description as “a rap-flavored parody of The Great Gatsby,” the episode’s origins are decidedly more modest. “This was just going to be a regular episode, but the table read went so well, in a fit of passion and excitement and ambition and excess, we decided to supersize it,” is how Simpsons executive producer Matt Selman puts it, and that makes sense when looking at the final product.

Did that table read include such gems as these:

Carl: If there’s no more money, we’ll take our personalized bowling balls, fold up bicycles, and go. [Guess what happens then! Go on, guess!]

Bart: What kind of crazy flavors are these? Quince jelly and pepper? Market greens? Bone broth brittle? I don’t know what this place hates more, kids or ice cream. [All of those flavors, by the way, were on a sign behind him.]

Old Guy: Well, before long another aimless soul will open another adorable store here. And when they do, old Sam the Sign Hanger will be ready with his level and his ladder. Oh, why here comes one now. [At that, two people show up. But you knew that already.]

On the plus side, there were a few good sign gags that didn’t get read out as dialogue. At one point while Burns is in his family crypt (don’t ask), there’s one that reads “Ebenezer Burns: The Ghosts Taught Me Nothing”. Heh. The opening line also wasn’t bad:

Homer (VO): In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice. He said the laziest way to tell a story is through voiceover narration.

That was supposed to be self-irony. Turned out to be the regular kind.

Anyway, the ratings are in and getting a huge lead-in from football helps as always. That sorry excuse for a hip-hop Gatsby parody was seen by 14.08 million viewers. That number will probably get revised downward somewhat (there was another football game on opposite the show), but it’ll still be there biggest number in a while.

Quote of the Day

“Our top secret tonight, gay divorcee Luann van Houten has been cheating on her boyfriend Pyro with his best friend Gyro.” – Lisa Simpson
“How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro? And this is how you repay me!” – Pyro

Quote of the Day

“Lisa, ham hock? Tri-tip?” – Homer Simpson
“Do we have any food that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, I think the veal might’ve died of loneliness.” – Homer Simpson

Sunday Preview: The Great Phatsby

Mr. Burns plots revenge against the music mogul who conned him with help from the mogul’s ex-wife, rapper Jazzy James, Homer and Bart.

So tonight is an hour long episode of zombie simpsons, which means we are in for a treat. It is what I assume to be a cross promotional episode for Empire, as Taraji P Henson is guest voicing, along with the RZA, Snoop Dog and Common. Also Keegan Michael Key is allowing his fingerprints to be on this train wreck, which is unfortunate as I find him quite entertaining. 

Long and short of it is that tonight fox is going to show us what really happens when you try to shove 60 minutes of shit in a 30 minute bag.

Quote of the Day

“The dump?” – Marge Simpson
“Yeah, we’re gonna get rid of the Christmas tree. Starting to turn brown. Wanna come with?” – Homer Simpson
“No, no, I don’t feel like going to a trash pile today.” – Marge Simpson
“It’s your life. We’ll bring you back something nice.” – Homer Simpson