“That’s Cookie Kwan. She’s number one on the west side.” – Lionel Hutz
“Hi, Marge! . . . Stay off the west side!” – Cookie Kwan
Archive for May, 2017
31
May
17
Quote of the Day
30
May
17
Quote of the Day
“There’s your giraffe, little girl.” – Homer Simpson
“I’m a boy!” – Ralph Wiggum
“That’s the spirit! Never give up.” – Homer Simpson
29
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Jazz, pfft! They just make it up as they go along. I can do that. Di-di-di-di-di-di-di, de de de…” –
“That’s Mary had a little lamb.” – Marge Simpson
“Okay, then this: Do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do do do…” – Homer Simpson
“That’s the same thing, you just replaced ‘Di’s with ‘Do’s.” – Marge Simpson
“D’oh!” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Danny Elfman!
28
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Up and atom.” – Acting Coach
“Up and at them.” – Rainier Wolfcastle
“Up and atom!” – Acting Coach
“Up and at them!” – Rainier Wolfcastle
“Up and ATOM!” – Acting Coach
“Up and AT THEM!” – Rainier Wolfcastle
“Better.” – Acting Coach
27
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Dad, may I please make an observation?” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh, what is it?” – Homer Simpson
“I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.” – Lisa Simpson
“Maybe Lisa does have a point. I don’t mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn’t Bart have to tell the truth?” – Marge Simpson
“Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.” – Lionel Hutz
26
May
17
Quote of the Day
“We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them?” – Lisa Simpson
“You have my undivided attention.” – Homer Simpson
25
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Guess who likes you?” – Nelson Muntz
“Milhouse, I’m so sorry.” – Lisa Simpson
“He can’t hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.” – EMT
24
May
17
Quote of the Day
“I saved your life! That egg sandwich could’ve killed you by cholesterol.” – Homer Simpson
“Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream.” – Lenny
“So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, you got it all wrong, Homer. It’s not like that.” – Lenny
“You’d better run, egg!” – Homer Simpson
23
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Preliminary reports indicated the ship’s captain was drunk at the helm. . . . Those reports were later confirmed.” – Kent Brockman
“Argh, I’m in a lot of trouble now. Hey! I’ll give you a hundred bucks to take the blame.” – Captain McAllister
22
May
17
Behind Us Forever: Dogtown
“The dog has had enough excitement.” – Marge Simpson
“But Marge, dogs can never have enough excitement!” – Homer Simpson
Two years ago, as part of their “use our reputation to farm out work we’d rather not do” policy, Zombie Simpsons let the Rick & Morty people do a couch gag. It was okay, and I’ve long said that the guest couch gags are one of the few parts of the show that’s still kinda creative. Well, this week Zombie Simpsons did an extremely poor take off on the Rick & Morty episode “Lawnmower Dog”. Emphasis on “extremely”.
In “Dogtown”, Springfield passes a bunch of dog friendly laws, which for some reason causes all the dogs to go feral and take over the town. When Rick & Morty did this, it was the B-plot of an Inception parody that got very dark and disturbing (as is that show’s wont). When Zombie Simpsons does the same thing, it’s too incoherent to be anything other that vaguely weird. Remember the “Night of the Dolphin” segment from Season 12’s Halloween episode? This was like that, but stretched over the whole episode and plus pages of unnecessary exposition.
– They’ve really become fond of adding dialogue to the couch gags the last few years. This one involves them climbing to the top of a mounting, wherein Homer radios for the couch, which is then brought in by a Sherpa. The (unintentionally) funny thing here is that there’s no need for it. Having Homer use the radio pre-explains the joke and spoils it in the process. It would’ve worked fine without.
– From there, the opening gets truncated at Homer leaving the plant. He’s then in traffic with GPS yelling at him. This goes on for a bit before Homer finds himself stuck in an alley with the choice to run over Gil or Santa’s Little Helper. Homer runs Gil over and I’m finally convinced that the regular opening isn’t coming back.
– And we are quickly into exposition land:
Insurance Agent: “Now, I do have to warn you, if Gil sues he’ll end up with everything you’ve got.”
Homer: “But that’s everything I’ve got! Okay kids, give me your best worried looks. . . . Ooh, that’s good worry. And Maggie, when we visit Gil, you should think about your Mom and me disappearing forever any time we step behind a wall.”
Homer then proceeds to do step behind a wall, all the while narrating what he’s doing. Then he gets lost and screams. This is all dumb and repetitive enough on it’s own, but the really weird part is Marge is sitting right there as Homer’s basically traumatizing the baby. These are the sorts of things real Marge put a quick stop to, but Zombie Marge just sits there and watches with her computer drawn dead eyes.
– Later, at the hospital, the family visits Gil, Bart then walks in dressed as a nurse so he and Homer and exposit a plan to put Gil into a coma.
From here, Bart stabs Homer in the butt and then Homer falls down. Remember when this show was smart?
– Marge now exposits some Gil dialogue:
Gil: “Cha cha cha!”
Marge: “Cha cha cha, that’s hopeful”
Gil: “Cha cha ching!”
Marge: “Oh.”
It’s bad enough that I have to explain jokes on this here internet website, but that’s part of why it’s here. Why Zombie Simpsons feels the need to explain them on a network television show that’s ostensibly a comedy is beyond me.
– Lisa, just now grasping what’s going on for some reason, has a fantasy where they live with other families, Bart then has a different one. Hey, these twenty minutes of screen time aren’t going to fill themselves, people.
– Repeating dialogue can be funny (“The best performance of your life?”/”The best performance of my life!”), but Zombie Simpsons does it a couple dozen times per episode. Here in court, Homer testifies about how he loves the dog and that’s why he hit Gil, the lawyer then asks the stenographer reads it back with sentimental music. Guess what happens!
– After the trial, Gil gets repeatedly trampled.
It wasn’t funny the first time, but maybe it’ll be funny the third time.
– Springfield is now a dog paradise, so it’s time for a montage.
– Wiggum arrests a veterinarian, who exposits about the coming dog rebellion. Once again, tell don’t show triumphs on Zombie Simpsons.
– In yet another joke that was done better decades ago, Homer is explaining Doggy Heaven to Bart.
– Santa’s Little Helper collapses partway through the doggy door of the house. Homer picks up the cat and takes thirty seconds to use it to pull the dog through the door so he can say, “look what the cat dragged in”. This is followed by Bart and Lisa both proclaiming that muscle pulling stretch for a joke, “worth it”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: they know these jokes suck. They don’t care.
This takes almost 5% of the episode.
– Kirk is outside with a little dog, which growls at him. He then lies down on the ground, exposing his belly. We know this because we see it. Nevertheless, Zombie Simpsons has him describe exactly what he’s doing.
– As a pack of wild dogs circles Homer, he lists off a bunch of breed names. [McBain Voice]: That’s the joke.
– Skinner, in case anyone has forgotten, exposits what’s happening, “Not one student showed up to school just because a pack of ferocious, masterless dogs are roaming the playground”. Thanks, Seymour.
– Vet guy now expositing the same thing Skinner just did. I’m not going to transcribe it because I respect the pixels of your screen too much.
– Gil gets volunteered to tame the dogs for some reason, which leads to some back and forth exposition between him and Marge.
– Bart and Lisa are out with Crazy Cat Lady, who is there to protect them or something. She then exposits through subtitles.
– Here’s a double whammy, action exposition and emotional exposition:
Bart: “We’re about to die at the hands of a dog”.
Lisa: “Paws. Dogs have paws.”
Bart: “Just remember, the last thing you did in life was correct me.”
Lisa: “Oh, that actually makes me feel better.”
– And then Marge just shows up to growl and kick a dog, then Lisa exposits what’s going on, then Gil shows up to exposit about what didn’t happen. I’m tired.
– Our second montage shows all the dogs going back to normal.
– And it ends on a chihuahua threatening Gil. Season 29, here we come! [♫FOX fanfare♫]
Anyway, the numbers are in and . . . yikes. Last night just 2.14 million viewers should’ve been watching a Rick & Morty rerun. That’s the lowest season finale ever, and a 20% drop from last year’s (which used to be the lowest finale ever). Given the catastrophic state of broadcast network television, there’s no telling whether or not numbers like these will ever actually get the show cancelled, but its complete cultural irrelevance is pretty well sealed.
22
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Superintendent, we made the front page today!” – Principal Skinner
“What’s that say under your hand there?” – Superintendent Chalmers
“Oh, it’s an unrelated article.” – Principal Skinner
“It’s an unrelated article?” – Superintendent Chalmers
“Um-hmm.” – Principal Skinner
“Within the banner headline?” – Superintendent Chalmers
“Yes.” – Principal Skinner
21
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Where did the money go? Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products.” – Behind the Laughter Announcer
“I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don’t want to see my picture.” – Marge Simpson
Note: Sorry for the late quote of the day. Should have a Behind Us Forever for whatever dreck their using as a season finale tomorrow.
20
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today, we promise to build several churches in your honor.” – Bart Simpson
“Bart, no!” – Lisa Simpson
19
May
17
Quote of the Day
“My problem is I’m a real user of women. I move in right away and stay until the money’s gone.” – Lionel Hutz
“Well, I’m a smart woman but I make bad choices. . . . Okay, here’s a set of house keys and my ATM card.” – Mrs. Krabappel
18
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Truth is beauty! Beauty truth, sir!” – Rommelwood Cadet
“They’re discussing poetry! Oh, we never do that at my school.” – Lisa Simpson
“But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?” – Rommelwood Teacher
“He sure sucked the fun out of that poem.” – Marge Simpson
Happy 20th Anniversary to “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson!” Original airdate 18May 1997.
17
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Gil, thank God it’s you! You gotta help us!” – Homer Simpson
“Well, that’s what I’m here for. I mean, you’re young, successful, you’re naked. You want a car with a radio, right? You kids like music, right?” – Gil
16
May
17
Quote of the Day
“C’mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.” – Marge Simpson
“That’s not how I remember it.” – Homer Simpson
15
May
17
Quote of the Day
“That’s it, Bart! Why can’t you be more like, uh . . .” – Mrs. Krabappel
“Us, Mrs. Krabappel?” – Sherri & Terri
“Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.” – Mrs. Krabappel
Happy belated birthday, Russi Taylor!
14
May
17
Quote of the Day
“Hey, Milhouse, how’s the lemonade business?” – Bart Simpson
“It’s clearly booming, Bart.” – Milhouse van Houten
“I don’t even want any. I just bought a pity glass.” – Lisa Simpson
13
May
17
Quote of the Day
“C’mon, you stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! . . . No, don’t look at me! . . . Run! . . . No, don’t come over here. . . . Ugh.” – Krusty the Klown
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(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
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The Mob Has Spoken