“Paintings, lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that-” – Bart Simpson
“Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening, and maybe they’d rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on NPR.” – Marge Simpson
“Yes, mother.” – Bart Simpson
“Good. Now, you hold Maggie. I’m going to buy some earrings from the gift shop.” – Marge Simpson
“That’s odd, usually the blood gets off at the second floor.” – C.M. Burns
“What I’d like to say is: we’re still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife.” – Homer Simpson
“Stop winking!” – Marge Simpson
Happy Birthday Dan Castellaneta!
“Ah, they’re not so tough.” – Chief Wiggum
“Uh, Chief, that wasn’t a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.” – Lou
“Yeah, well, uh, he was turning into a monster, though.” – Chief Wiggum
“Hear ye, hear ye, the court of Infernal affairs is now in session.” – Skeleton Judge
“Very well, but first, some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.” – Lionel Hutz
“Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me.” – The Devil
“Agreed. No, wait.” – Lionel Hutz
“Silence!” – The Devil
“Oh, dear!” – Marge Simpson
“No, Mom, it counts as a hit. Dad just won the game.” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, I guess he’ll be happy when he comes to.” – Marge Simpson
A few quick breakdowns:
Mostly it’s a retelling of “Homer at the Bat” in a Ken Burns style where clips from the episode are interspliced with talking heads or occasional Simpsons characters talking (Spurlock and two guys he work with wrote it). It spends more time than I’d have liked explaining jokes from twenty-five years ago (did you know it’s dangerous to put sheet metal over your head in a thunderstorm?), but overall it’s fine. And, hey, I got to use the Morgan Spurlock tag on this blog again. Been ages.
Button Homer: “Bart drew this picture of his family. Now we’re getting visits from a social worker and an exterminator.”
Spider-Button Marge: “I’ll be ready!” [Shoots pistol, starts chainsaw]
Lisa: “And I’ve learned no matter how bad things are, they could get much, much worse.”
At that, Nelson walks in from nowhere so Lisa can zip and unzip his lips.
Anyway, the numbers are in, and they’re up slightly but about the same. A self-consuming 3.66 million people watched this year’s Halloween episode when they could’ve been watching Coraline on DVD.
“We’ve got to find Hugo.” – Dr. Hibbert
“We’ll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to!” – Homer Simpson
“I’ll start with Radio Shack!” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh, Spade, why did you put Farley in charge of the bees?” – Homer Simpson
“Your son Bart sounds very bad.” – Pepe
“Oh, he is. . . . Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.” – Homer Simpson
“Shut up!” – Bart Simpson
Happy birthday Nancy Cartwright!
“Do you know that my son Herschel was first in his Yeshiva class? As a matter of fact, he was voted the most likely to hear God.” – Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky
“Oh, go on, Hyman, you’re exaggerating again, you’re so proud of your son.” – Other Rabbi
“A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts, he tells stories that may never have happened, but he does not exaggerate!” – Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky
“Happy birthday, Bart!” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“Thanks, Grampa!” – Bart Simpson
“Where’d you get all the money?” – Marge Simpson
“The government. I didn’t earn it. I don’t need it. But if they miss one payment I’ll raise hell!” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word ‘evolution’ from our school.” – Principal Skinner
“Next stop: Margaritaville! . . . Oh, they’re still here.” – Groundskeeper Willie
“Remember, Smithers: in and out in eighteen seconds.” – C.M. Burns
“Look at those silk pillows! It’s like the set of some high class porno film.” – Marge Simpson
“No, no, it’s just our basement” – Homer Simpson
“Hold on, that’s our basement?” – Marge Simpson
“Yes, so? Come on, more kissing.” – Homer Simpson
“It looks so elegant! And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade. You’ve got to show me exactly what you did!” – Marge Simpson
“But I was gonna score!” – Homer Simpson
“No, you weren’t.” – Marge Simpson
NOTE: Sorry this is so late. Been one of those weeks. (And I just noticed I didn’t put up a quote for today, ugh.)
I’ve listened to enough of the DVD commentaries over the years to know how many different people work on these scripts and how many iterations they go through before they reach my TV. And while I have never worked on a TV show, there are times when I (or anyone else, for that matter) can plainly see that a script maybe went through the wringer a few too many times.
The story-ish substance of this one is twofold: 1) Homer is pushing Maggie to be a professional child entertainer because Maggie can whistle really well, and 2) Marge is working as an interior decorator for Fat Tony. So far, so ho-hum. The weird part is that both of them are apparently hiding their plotlines from one another. Why? No explanation is ever given or hinted at. It feels like an artifact. Homer and Marge keep secrets from each other was the concept, and, seventeen drafts later, that part has been forgotten except for a couple of scenes where they explicitly tell us they’re doing that.
– We open on Marge pacing the bedroom while, for the second week in a row, they do a Homer-can-talk-while-he’s-asleep bit. She eventually wakes him up to key us into the plot and get in the first shovel fulls of this episode’s metric tons of exposition:
Marge: Homer, wake up, please. I can’t sleep. I’m having friends over tomorrow. Luann van Houten…
Homer: …Backstabber.
Marge: Bernice Hibbert…
Homer: …Snob.
Marge: And Helen Lovejoy…
Homer: Okay, she’s pretty hot. I mean, hot for a reverend’s wife, but so judgmental.
Thanks to this, Homer gets stuck watching Maggie.
– Homer watches Maggie and very little happens (“what to do? what to do?” is a repeated line/joke/time filler).
– We see Marge with the gals and they are exceptionally hostile, right from the bat. They just insult Marge out of blue. No disagreement, no escalation, just straight to open insults. It’s really weird.
– Upstairs, Homer spends thirty seconds or so looking for a whistling sound before he discovers it’s coming from Maggie. This leads to a dream sequence where Homer is professionally whistling in an Uncle Sam costume.
– Her taste insulted by the other women, Marge resolves to decorate the “pick up waiting room” at the school the best she can. She’s gonna need a montage! Montage!
– At the newly decorated room, Fat Tony shows up out of nowhere to declare the room perfectly decorated and hires Marge as his decorator for an old post office he purchased. That was timely, unexpected, and hacktacular, all in one.
– At Moe’s, Homer has Maggie in a backpack and is pretending to whistle for the guys when Grampa walks in out of nowhere to exposit about how he used to be a professional whistler. He opens the door and says:
“Well, well, well, it looks like my no talent son can suddenly whistle. Tell me Homer, how’d you trill that high C with your lips in second position?”
It is then revealed that Maggie is whistling and that Grampa used to be a professional whistler, which leads to a narrated flashback. For those keeping score at home, we’re at the 7:30 mark and we’ve had a montage, a flashback, a dream sequence, and two characters bursting through doors to advance the plot.
– Grampa’s flashback ends badly when he tries to whistle three notes at once, which they animated thusly:
This isn’t quite popped eyeballs. But it’s not far off, either.
– That stunt broke Grampa’s lips, which leads to another flashback where he has to pay other guys to kiss his girlfriend:
I have no response to this.
– Grampa then declares that Maggie is gonna go into show business, which leads to him whistling with five holes in his mouth instead of three. Didn’t they just say he couldn’t do that? I am confused.
– Hey, look, a good sign joke:
– And we’re back to exposition with Grampa explaining that he and Maggie are there to hear songbirds.
– Over in Marge’s plot, Fat Tony is introducing Marge to the post office. Legs and Louie are there for some limp banter.
– At a talent tryout for kids, Grampa tells a bored looking guy that Maggie whistles. He replies by expositing how he feels and expositing what he’s going to do:
“This I gotta hear. Not because I am looking forward to it, but because it is my job.” [He smokes a whole cigarette. Maggie whistles.] “Fantastic talent. Now, move along. I have a heart attack at four o’clock. And here it comes.” [Has heart attack.]
Hacktacular!
– Marge is at a hardware store with Fat Tony and the gang. She is now dressed as an “interior decorator” which means a brown suit dress and sunglasses. This is another one of those scenes where the writers seem to think its relateable when interior decorators pitch expensive indoor fountains at you. They must hate that almost as much as when their butlers wash their sock garters but they’re still covered in schmutz.
– Next scene, Homer and Marge are in bed and Marge wonders what that whistling is. They then both ask how the other would feel if they kept a secret from each other. This forces me to wonder why in the hell (or how, for that matter) either of them is keeping their plot lines a secret. This is the first we see of it and we’re well past halfway. Even by Zombie Simpsons standards it feels dropped in.
– Because Lisa hasn’t really been in this episode, we get a thirty second filler scene where she freaks out about Maggie being talented. No, I don’t know why. Maybe that’s a secret too.
– Homer and Maggie are now watching a TV special about an entertainment baby that went to prison. I guess it’s supposed to be a “Behind the Music” type thing, but it’s mostly just narration. It leads to Homer expositing out loud about his motivations for pushing Maggie to be a whistling star. Nothing about it needing to be a secret, or why Marge might care. I guess it’s nice that they are neither showing nor telling, but since they’re expositing something unrelated instead, I don’t think it qualifies as an improvement.
– Marge has finished decorating the post office for Fat Tony. Turns out it’s a brothel, which we learn when Quimby appears from nowhere to ask if he can bang Marge. Kent Brockman then bursts into the hall to tell Fat Tony and Marge that they didn’t see him. The door was closed. He wasn’t being seen. Even by cartoon standards this is dumb.
– At the baby talent show, Homer explains that he is disturbed by what the other showbiz parents do to their kids. At the post office/brothel, Marge is ashamed of what she’s done. No sooner has she told us this than Helen, Luann, and Bernice walk in from outside – once again for no damn reason – to start attacking Marge again. The brothel ends up getting burned for insurance money after Marge exposits that Fat Tony’s mom used to have a PO box there. Remember what I said above about this script going through the wringer too many times? Weird crap like this is why.
– At the talent show, Maggie fails because she can’t whistle anymore with a tooth coming in. (Actual dialog: “Look she’s got a tooth coming in!”, which is said by Bart who has just wandered on stage.) Mel then exposits all of this from the audience because they like having Mel yell shit. God I’m bored.
– Homer concludes the scene and the plot by telling us, “The only thing that’s been worth it about this experience is that I got to spend time with this little girl. And that’s the tooth.” Please, someone, take me to a dentist’s office and leave the gas on.
– And we end on Marge and Homer in bed recounting each other’s storylines and promising “no more secrets”, which, again, has nothing to do with anything we’ve just seen.
– Small bonus: End theme is a whistle version by what I assume is a professional whistler named Nick Fascitelli. It’s not worth sitting through this, but I am a sucker for versions of the theme song.
– Other credit note: regular “Music By” credit for Clausen.
Anyway, the numbers are in, and with no late FOX NFL game this week, they’re back to the darkest corner of the basement. Last Sunday, just 2.90 million people didn’t tell anyone they watched Zombie Simpsons.
♫”Bart was feeling mighty blue.” – Homer Simpson
“It’s a shame what school can do.” – Marge Simpson
“For no reason, here’s Apu.” – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
“Those were the days!”♫ – Homer, Marge, & Apu
“Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure, t-shirt producing planet known as Earth.” – Kang
“You know, some women find bald men quite virile.” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, weren’t you listening? This is a ‘miracle breakthrough’, not one of these cheapo sucker deals.” – Homer Simpson
“On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns?” – Kent Brockman
“Oh, hello, Kent. Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting a minor piffling malfunction.” – C.M. Burns
“This is where the wolf blows down the pig’s house.” – Marge Simpson
“He blows alright. He blows big time.” – Bart Simpson
“That’s it, honey! Get into the spirit!” – Marge Simpson
“Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. . . . There once was an ugly duckling…” – Marge Simpson
“So you think I’m ugly?” – Lisa Simpson
“No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks . . . that makes fun of the ugly one. Hmm.” – Marge Simpson
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
The Mob Has Spoken