“Seymour? You were supposed to call me three minutes ago!” – Agnes Skinner
“Sorry, mother, I was driving through a tunnel and my cell phone wouldn’t work.” – Seymour Skinner
“I don’t want you driving through tunnels! You know what that symbolizes!” – Agnes Skinner
“Police officer? Well, I’ll be jiggered.” – Bart Simpson
“If you’d like to learn more, I could arrange for you to ride along in a police car for a night.” – Dr. J. Loren Pryor
“Hey! I don’t need you to get me into the back of a police car.” – Bart Simpson
“Oh, I’ll never pay off that debt!” – Homer Simpson
“Need money fast? Got no experience? Set up, to elegance! Become a limo driver at Classy Joe’s.” – TV Announcer
“That’s it! I’ll make money with a chauffeur job! Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.” – Homer Simpson
“I didn’t turn it on. I thought you turned it on.” – Lisa Simpson
“No. Well, anyway, turn it off.” – Homer Simpson
“It is off.” – Lisa Simpson
“Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield came west in 1838. Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed him with his bare hands. That’s b-a-r-e hands. Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him.” – TV Narrator
“On the other hand, when you don’t take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life.” – Marge Simpson
“You’re right, Marge. Just like the time I could’ve met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, ‘I’ll go a little later. I’ll go a little later’. And then when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn’t know. Well, I’m never gonna let something like that happen again! I’m going into space right now!” – Homer Simpson
“Man, those cons love Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten year old boy.” – Bart Simpson
“And vice versa.” – Lisa Simpson
“You can be so cruel when you’re sober.” – Sideshow Mel
“Well, I’ll fix that! I’m goin’ on the bender to end all benders!” – Krusty the Klown
“I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long lost twin brother.” – Shelbyville Orphanage Director
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I wish I could help you but we’re looking for my brother today!” – Homer Simpson
“You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.” – Reverend Lovejoy
“Jebus, where are you? Homer to Jebus!” – Homer Simpson
“Hey, Bart, the bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies. Wanna go smell?” – Milhouse van Houten
“Yes. Yes, I do.” – Bart Simpson
“It’s been four-thousand days since my last drink. It was my first and last blackberry schnapps.” – Ned Flanders
“Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?” – Maude Flanders
“Ann Landers is a boring old biddy.” – Ned Flanders
“Ned!” – Maude Flanders
“I was more animal than man!” – Ned Flanders
“After extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human.” – Dr. Marvin Monroe
“That’s what he thinks. I say it’s none other than Bigfoot in the flesh.” – German Scientist
“Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man. The eyes had a glimmer of human intelligence.” – French Scientist
“Really? A glimmer in the eyes? What about the sloping ape-like forehead?” – British Scientist
“Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this.” – Homer Simpson
“You’re being ridiculous.” – Marge Simpson
“Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values! Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.” – Homer Simpson
“You don’t look so rich.” – Homer Simpson
“Don’t let the haircut fool you, I’m exceedingly wealthy.” – Bill Gates
Happy birthday Matt Groening!
“Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night and then we’ll eat until they kick us out of the place, just like old times!” – Homer Simpson
“Saturday night? I’m not even sure my sisters will be available.” – Marge Simpson
“I’ll take that bet.” – Homer Simpson
“I didn’t do it.” – Bart Simpson
“This year, give her English Muffins . . . whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, I can’t go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I’m used to the best!” – Krusty the Klown
“Krusty, this is America. We don’t send our celebrities to jail.” – IRS Guy
“Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier’s head off.” – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
“There’s an interesting behind this nickle. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three, medium brown…” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“I’m not gonna let ’em treat Poochie like dirt anymore just because he’s the new guy!” – Homer Simpson
“Right on, Mr. S.” – Roy
“Put a sock in it, Roy.” – Homer Simpson
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
The Mob Has Spoken