“Sir, I’m afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.” – Mr. Smithers
“Who?” – C.M. Burns
“One of your cabbage heads from sector 7G. Take a look at this sperm sample from his recent physical.” – Mr. Smithers
“Ugh.” – C.M. Burns
“Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample.” – Mr. Smithers
“Might as well close the dump.” – Moe
“I am going to drink you under the table.” – Mayor Quimby
“No, I am going to drink you under the . . . aww.” – Alcoholic Boston Irishman
“Watch me blend in. . . . Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here.” – C.M. Burns
“Excuse me, my microwave johnnycakes are ready.” – Hollis Hurlbut
“Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen for today’s giveaway. And the 1997 Pontiac Astrowagon goes to the fan sitting in seat number zero-zero-zero-one, C. Montgomery Burns.” – Old Announcer
“And the fans do not like this one bit.” – Young Announcer
“And here come the pretzels!” – Old Announcer
“Oh, no! No, don’t do that! You’re supposed to be tasting them!” – Marge Simpson
“Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field. Pleading with the crowd for some kind of sanity.” – Young Announcer
“Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.” – Old Announcer
“Wow. This is, uh, this a black day for baseball.” – Young Announcer
“Did you notice how the people weren’t shoving or knocking each other down? I’ve never been to a place like that before.” – Lisa Simpson
“Me neither.” – Bart Simpson
“I wonder where Marge could be? She’s missing her own initiation.” – Evelyn
“I hope she didn’t take my attempt to destroy her too seriously.” – Susan
“Listen to ’em laughing. This is so humiliating. I’m never going to live this down. Damn Flanders.” – Homer Simpson
“You know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but, what they hey! You know? Kinda reminds of my good old fraternity days.” – Ned Flanders
“D’oh! Oh my God, he’s enjoying it!” – Homer Simpson
‘Bowling! Bowling, here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who’s ready? Bowling!” – Homer Simpson
“Mom, make Dad tell the story right.” – Lisa Simpson
“That’s what really happened.” – Marge Simpson
“Oh.” – Lisa Simpson
“Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack jawed yokels.” – Cecil Terwilliger
“Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There’s trouble down to the cement mixer, sir!” – Cletus
“Sodium tetra-sulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when!” – Mrs. Krabappel
“That will do.” – Martin Prince
“What’s this stuff for?” – Bart Simpson
“It’s chiefly used in the manufacture of rayon’s film and as a preservative in fast foot. It’s also quite a potent herbicide.” – Martin Prince
“What’s a herbicide?” – Bart Simpson
“It kills grass.” – Martin Prince
“Excellent.” – Bart Simpson
“Anything else?” – Grocery Clerk
“Yes, I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them.” – Marge Simpson
“Oh? Two grapes? Who cares?” – Grocery Clerk
“Just charge me something, please.” – Marge Simpson
“Yeah, okay, alright . . . I need a price check on two grapes. Yeah, you heard me, Phil! Two measly stinkin’ grapes.” – Grocery Clerk
“In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in McBain 4 to direct and star in his own pet project, the Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? Twentieth Century Fox is betting it will.” – Not John Tesh
“I’m telling you, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.” – Lighthouse Guy
“Y’argh, shut up! I know what I’m doing! . . . Y’argh, I hate the sea, and everything in it.” – Captain McAllister
“I just missed out on the greatest opportunity of my entire life! George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.” – Bart Simpson
“Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he’s great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he’s feeling low.” – Lisa Simpson
“Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer fueled mayhem?” – Homer Simpson
“If you’re going for a ride, I’d like you to take Bart and Lisa.” – Homer Simpson
“But, Marge, we’re college guys and we’re up to no good.” – Homer Simpson
“Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.” – Fat Nerd
“These are yours, sir?” – DMV Boss
“Yes. I am in flavor country.” – Homer Simpson
“Both of them?” – DMV Boss
“It’s a big country.” – Homer Simpson
“Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.” – DMV Boss
“Now to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio.” – Homer Simpson
“The Book of Revelations tells us to watch for the seven signs of evil!” – Radio Hustler #1
“Sign of evil number four . . . ” – Radio Hustler #2
“Continuing our sign of evil countdown, here’s Vanessa Williams.” – Not Casey Kasem
“Folks, is your marriage stuck in a rut? Can you even remember the last time you felt the thrill of romance? Well, maybe you need: a divorce! Call the divorce specialists now for a consultation and free tote bag!” – Radio Announcer
“Now, I’d like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlit.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
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(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
The Mob Has Spoken