Yesterday I came across a wanted poster for Grandpa Simpson for sale on eBay. As is my custom when I find eBay Simpsons stuff that doesn’t totally suck I linked to it on our pathetic Twitter feed. I thought most of the text was too small to read (image at right), but then Ryan W. Mead (sometime commenter, Twitter follower, and all around good guy) came through in a series of tweets with the text. He has better eyes than I do, a better monitor than I do, or both. Bravo. Full text is below (it’s pretty amusing):
Abraham Simpson
Height: 5’8 (believes himself to be 6’2).
Age: Unknown (to him).
Weight: 175 (believes himself to weigh 180).
Occupation: burden, annoyance (believes himself to be valuable member of society).
Possible whereabouts: the retirement home, the 1940s.
Possible Accomplices: Jasper.
Possible imaginary accomplices: General Patton, Billy the Kid, Mae West, Jasper’s beard.
Possible motives: 1. May have confused Mr. Burns with a German solider, may have confused his own gun with a surrender flag.
2. Anger at Mr. Burns for causing old age home to collapse, destroying friend’s girly magazines.
3. Angry confusion.
4. Anger at being the butt of cruel and unfair jokes just because of his advanced age.
5. Just because he’s a stupid old fool.
WARNING: Suspect may believe that he is armed and dangerous.
Thanks Ryan!
(Incidentally, the same seller has some similar items, including a black and white Simpsons Halloween drawing, an old image from Disney’s Pinocchio, and wanted posters for Krusty, Willie, Lisa and Smithers. $10.00 per may be a bit much, no bids yet.)
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
Dead Homer Society 
It’s now my quest to find all the rest of these. And by quest I mean sit here and wait for somebody else to do it